Thrilled and Terrified

Whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing/how Sascha and I are doing, as we prepare ourselves these last few months before travel to Ethiopia, I either say "thrilled and terrified" or "terrified and thrilled." I asked Amanda if she felt fearful during their travel prep to adopt the girls...she did. She also mentioned the experience of "life as you know it coming to an end." That about sums it up-- my identity, lifestyle & relationships to most everyone/everything are going into flux, unwinding to form something new. I seem to be both grieving and celebrating the loss/transformation of my "old life." (And, of course there is also a constant awareness that our children are going through a similar experience in Ethiopia as they prepare to join us.) It's a wild combination of adventurous thrill & a bursting heart to meet those beautiful kids, matched with a fear of them not liking me/me not liking them, wondering how on earth we're going to gather three days worth of poop samples from each child for our pediatrician once we're home, when I don't even speak their language and they (rightfully) want to poop in private...how to navigate the big decisions about school/ESL, how to place them (in what grade), how to watch for their challenges and triumphs... I stew, wondering how Sascha and I will hold together, how we'll nurture our marriage through the rough patches with three kids. In doubtful moments, I ponder: Will we ever experience the luxury of disposable income again?! With college for Etsegenet only nine or ten years away, the concept of "spending money" occurs for me now like a shimmering mirage in the distance... and I have to I remind myself daily that this pinched state we are entering into will ease as we step up to our new set of variables and generate a comfortable life for our family in time (fingers AND toes crossed.) I remember feeling the same way when we first bought our house & lived very close to the bone for a year or so, until we aligned ourselves with that new responsibility. I know we are up to it, but also know it will be an experience that requires a long, steady reach.

In the meantime, the way I deal with my nervous energy is to get organized & simplify-- lists of tasks to check off, kids bedrooms prepared (almost), a realistic (we hope) family schedule and budget to follow, sorting and purging stuff we don't need (finding things we can sell or donate) and this handy blog to shamelessly share the highs and lows with all who care to know them!